A Day in the Life

His memory lives within us all. 

7:07 Woke up. Pulled on shorts and went downstairs. Thought about eating oatmeal. Decided oatmeal was for faggots and hippies. Smashed bowl when I discovered there were no more Lucky Charms. 

7:12 Walked out of apartment. Remembered buy-one-get-one coupon for Egg McMuffin's. Celebratory fist pump. Started running. 

8:02 Arrived at McDonald's 27 miles away from apartment. Attempted to obtain two McMuffins, one for free with coupon. Was told coupon expired in 2003. Asked to see manager. 

8:21 Manager started to jibber-jabber. Asked him when I was going to get my free Egg McMuffin. He said I wasn't. 

9:13 Bailed out of jail by wife. Quick trip to hospital to remove glass fragments from leg and back. 

10:00 Practice. Worked on big hits and chasing ball. Decided to skip lunch. 

2:05 Referred to myself as we in post-practice interview. Revealed my favorite smack talk line to be "I bathe in the devil's menstrual blood!" Gave full credit to MMA fighter Forrest Griffin. 

2:11 Searched "Tray Blackmon is a terrifying and large mother fucker" on Youtube. 12, 345 hits. 

2:22 Watched myself destroy Glenn Coffee. Full mast. 

2:23 Went to store and bought voice changer. Called Glenn Coffee from payphone. Told him I was in his dreams eating his happiness. Started giggling when he repeatedly asked who was calling. Told him it was Smay Smackmon. Caught and punted a mockingbird. Laughed all the way home. 

2:43 Browsed Internet. Watched myself ruin Chris Leak and Florida. 

2:47 Bought airplane ticket on expedia.com. 

3:45 Landed in Montreal. Rented car. Followed google satellite directions to Chris Leak's house. 

4:24 Scouted house. Silenced dog. Disconnected phone line. 

4:29 Entered house through rear window. Made and ate sandwich. Took dump. Removed clothes. 

4:51 Waited for Leak in coat closet closest to door. 

5:17 Started humming "The Saints Go Marching In." Still waiting in closet. 

5:48 Heard car pull in driveway. Keys entered lock. Door opened. Assumed athletic position. 

5:49 Closet opened. Leapt forward, feet off ground, left arm extended. Leak panicked. Attempted to throw keys at my face. Slipped from his grasp. Picked up keys. Ran three steps. Stumbled and fell face first into wall. 

 

5:50 Got up. Laughed. Ran into bathroom. Put on bathrobe. 

5:52 Found Leak lying by door. Unconscious. Drew penis and "Tray waz here" on face. 

5:56 Wandered around house. Found security tapes. Watched replay of Leak's entrance. Decided keys were fumbled. 

5:57 Left Leak's house. Head toward major highway and home.

7:17 Arrived at apartment. 

7:34 Started reading collection of Bertrand Russell's essays. 

10:46 Finished essays. Agreed with some of his views on religion. Decided his argument for socialism was weak and unrealistic. 

10:47 Drank four 5 hour energy drinks and snorted line of crushed Sweet Tarts. Left house. 

11:02 Arrived at zoo. Jumped into hippopotamus pit. 

1:03 Left zoo. Covered in hippopotamus blood and algae. 

3:58 Collapsed into bed. Set alarm for 4:15. Surrendered to sleep. Felt like quitter.