Guess Who

I am a major sports network that turns everything into a dramatic, life changing story. 

I like to make you think that sports are the most important thing in the entire galaxy, nay the universe. 

I like to inform you about miniscule high school and small college stories that you may find "inspirational". Did you hear about the possibly lesbian softball players* that carried that other softball player? It was epic and emotional and life changing. 

Hmmm.

I really like Notre Dame and the Red Sox. Oh yeah, and USC. And the Red Sox vs. Yankees is the pinnacle of sporting excellence. Nothing is better. Every game is like Game 7 dammit!!

I have a thing for bombastic black guys with lazy eyes.

I am Now.

I like to gather my loud, obnoxious friends together and have them yell at each other. 

I love to keep you informed about everything that is happening in every sport at every second on every channel. Watching NBA basketball? Here's the mock draft of the entire NFL Draft. You're welcome.

I like to influence your opinions and make you believe what is best For the Greater Good.

What's that? You don't like annoying catch-phrases and 30 second clips? Too bad mother f****er.

I have a partnership with a major network (*ahem*) that has a partnership with two major conferences that destroys any journalistic integrity I once had. #19 Nebraska vs #4 USC is a much better Gameday choice than #6 LSU vs. #3 Auburn. Right?

I love to have borderline illiterate ex-athletes break down games. Makes it more interesting when they can't read the teleprompter. 

I like to fire or demote my best play-by-play men and analysts because of "sexual harassment". 

I like to compare everything and I am really fond of hyperbole. Every game is the greatest and the most important. Until the next game which is also the greatest and most important.

I let this guy be on television.

I am a monopoly and I have the final say on everything sports related.

Have you guessed the answer? If you said militant Islamist or OPEC you are headed in the right direction.

I am glad I don't have a Chemistry final in 8 hours. That would be bad if I decided to write this instead of learn a semesters worth of Chem 2 in one night. I am also glad I am not melodramatic or prone to sarcasm. 

*A recent study showed that 90% of post-high school softball players are lesbians. Sounds legit to me.