Sunday, July 5, 2009

Gonzo

Often I feel I go to some distant region of the world to be reminded of who I really am. There is no mystery about why this should be so. Stripped of your ordinary surroundings, your friends, your daily routines, your refrigerator full of your food, your closet full of your clothes—with all this taken away, you are forced into direct experience. That’s not always comfortable, but it is always invigorating.
--Crichton, Michael "Travels"
I have many ideas about who I am—optimist, open-minded, book-ish, etc. I like to think I know myself. But I don't really. I am these things, what I perceive about myself, sometimes, when things are swell and hunky-dory (and sometimes when they are not). My life has been mercifully absent of adversity. I have loving parents, a nice house and community and no addictions or afflictions. It was a nice middle-class upbringing. And I am thankful. But I want to push myself; I want to leave my comfort zone. 

The idea of "finding yourself" is often mocked. I don't want to find who I am as much as I want to learn more about me. The difference may be semantics, but I think there is gap between searching/finding and learning. 

So I try to learn. And part of that learning, I think and have been told, involves travel (also age, what does a 21-year-old college student really know?). 

And I try not to get lost in the grand "American road trip, rambling, gambling time of your life" bullshit. This is one trip, one 3/3-and-a-half week period in time. My goal is to not fall into the circular trap of escapism. I want to make conscious daily decisions that lead to a positive, fulfilled (whatever that means) life—not a life I slug through everyday, jonesing for alcohol, drugs, travel, sex, etc. to lift me out of my miserable existence*. 

So... yeah, positive vibrations all around. Gone till the end of July early August. Play me out Keyboard Cat. 



*Though that sounds like a grand time, especially coupled with a life you enjoy living. Or something like that. Again, not a deep well of life experience to draw from here.  

Friday, July 3, 2009

A Day in the Life

His memory lives within us all. 

7:07 Woke up. Pulled on shorts and went downstairs. Thought about eating oatmeal. Decided oatmeal was for faggots and hippies. Smashed bowl when I discovered there were no more Lucky Charms. 

7:12 Walked out of apartment. Remembered buy-one-get-one coupon for Egg McMuffin's. Celebratory fist pump. Started running. 

8:02 Arrived at McDonald's 27 miles away from apartment. Attempted to obtain two McMuffins, one for free with coupon. Was told coupon expired in 2003. Asked to see manager. 

8:21 Manager started to jibber-jabber. Asked him when I was going to get my free Egg McMuffin. He said I wasn't. 

9:13 Bailed out of jail by wife. Quick trip to hospital to remove glass fragments from leg and back. 

10:00 Practice. Worked on big hits and chasing ball. Decided to skip lunch. 

2:05 Referred to myself as we in post-practice interview. Revealed my favorite smack talk line to be "I bathe in the devil's menstrual blood!" Gave full credit to MMA fighter Forrest Griffin. 

2:11 Searched "Tray Blackmon is a terrifying and large mother fucker" on Youtube. 12, 345 hits. 

2:22 Watched myself destroy Glenn Coffee. Full mast. 

2:23 Went to store and bought voice changer. Called Glenn Coffee from payphone. Told him I was in his dreams eating his happiness. Started giggling when he repeatedly asked who was calling. Told him it was Smay Smackmon. Caught and punted a mockingbird. Laughed all the way home. 

2:43 Browsed Internet. Watched myself ruin Chris Leak and Florida. 

2:47 Bought airplane ticket on expedia.com. 

3:45 Landed in Montreal. Rented car. Followed google satellite directions to Chris Leak's house. 

4:24 Scouted house. Silenced dog. Disconnected phone line. 

4:29 Entered house through rear window. Made and ate sandwich. Took dump. Removed clothes. 

4:51 Waited for Leak in coat closet closest to door. 

5:17 Started humming "The Saints Go Marching In." Still waiting in closet. 

5:48 Heard car pull in driveway. Keys entered lock. Door opened. Assumed athletic position. 

5:49 Closet opened. Leapt forward, feet off ground, left arm extended. Leak panicked. Attempted to throw keys at my face. Slipped from his grasp. Picked up keys. Ran three steps. Stumbled and fell face first into wall. 

 

5:50 Got up. Laughed. Ran into bathroom. Put on bathrobe. 

5:52 Found Leak lying by door. Unconscious. Drew penis and "Tray waz here" on face. 

5:56 Wandered around house. Found security tapes. Watched replay of Leak's entrance. Decided keys were fumbled. 

5:57 Left Leak's house. Head toward major highway and home.

7:17 Arrived at apartment. 

7:34 Started reading collection of Bertrand Russell's essays. 

10:46 Finished essays. Agreed with some of his views on religion. Decided his argument for socialism was weak and unrealistic. 

10:47 Drank four 5 hour energy drinks and snorted line of crushed Sweet Tarts. Left house. 

11:02 Arrived at zoo. Jumped into hippopotamus pit. 

1:03 Left zoo. Covered in hippopotamus blood and algae. 

3:58 Collapsed into bed. Set alarm for 4:15. Surrendered to sleep. Felt like quitter. 
 

Monday, June 29, 2009

A Letter to My Toe

Dear second toe on my left foot, 

Why are you such an asshole? Huh? Can you hear me, you little bastard? Earlier today I was frolicking alone in my backyard, not a care in the world, birds were singing, the sun was shining, I was about to do some naked water aerobics, and then you, the long skinny piece of bone, flesh and nail that are you, decided to scrape across the brick step separating covered porch and pool. And, son of a whore, it hurt. I am immune to physical pain (blatant lie), but this hurt me. So bad that I had to hop around and scream as if I had been shanked. 

I thought getting in the water would ease my pain. Logically, it makes sense. Cool water on open wound—pain gone. But no. Instead it started to burn, as if the pool water was rubbing alcohol. I was not going to let you, you selfish prick, ruin my afternoon of swimming. Nope, without me you are nothing. You would just be a toe. Without my blood pumping into you, you would rot, decay and probably be consumed by some rodent-like creature. 

I thought of removing you. I really did. But then I remembered I liked to wear flip-flops and have balance and enjoyed not having to explain why I only have nine toes ("Well, you see..."). So you win this one. But I want you to know that I will not stand for such aggression a second time. If you act out, if you so much as chip your nail, I will eliminate you. I am not yet sure what I  mean by "eliminate you," but know this, it will hurt you (and me, mostly me). Beware.

I hate you,

Ben

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sharing is Fun

Football is still days and days away and outside is hot and scary. Here are some recommendations for entertainment and leisure hour activities. (There are other, some would say better, ways of wasting time but they involve shady characters and paranoia.) 

MOVIE 



Part science fiction, part western, part futuristic space drama. Serenity is a movie continuation of the short-lived television series Firefly. Well acted, good dialog and pacing and interesting characters. Malcolm Reynolds is one of my favorite characters in fiction. 

TV SHOW



My favorite animated show ever. Hilarious, hilarious, hilarious. Xander Crews is what Will Ferrell is trying to be in every role not Anchorman. Several of the episodes can be viewed for free at Adult Swim. Of course, like seemingly every good show that is original and funny, it was discontinued after the second season. 

BOOK 



More sci-fi. I promise I bath and go outside and sometimes even talk to girls. Use of Weapons follows the life of a mercenary fighting for an advanced culture, named the Culture actually, that has transcended beyond war and violence and all those petty things we humans love and cherish so much. The Culture, however, needs warriors to help convince, through force, that theirs is the correct path. And thus the main character, Cheradenine Zakalwe, travels from planet to planet, system to system, fighting wars and womanizing—admirable work. A twist at the end flips the novel on its head and reframes the previous 380+ pages. Interesting read. 

COMEDIAN

Bill Hicks 



I am a Shaman come in the guise of a comic, in order to heal perception by using stories and 'jokes', and always, always, always the Voice of Reason, that people may have Hope and Peace, by healing their misperceptions. I am a shaman and my goal is to... drum roll... be myself! And the effort that takes is... Another drum roll, please... none! And my message is... Drum roll, then cymbal crashes... Be Yourself. I am a shaman, a healer and truth is my medicine. Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier. 
--Bill Hicks
A comic who actually said something. He had a message. He didn't chase cheap laughs and he wasn't seeking audience approval or fame. The words "prophet" and "genius" have been used to describe him. I don't know if I would go that far, but I would say he told the truth, without fear, as he saw it. 

SONG

"Black River Killer" by Blitzen Trapper



I like this song. A lot. It has a good folky, western feel. My music knowledge is limited to "Hey, this is catchy and it makes me want to bob my head and perhaps dance." but, yeah, give it a listen. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Random Profiling

A new series (of ones of posts) where I take a randomly generated number from 1 to 99 and profile the corresponding Auburn player (according to this roster). 

First up, 20. One Drew Cole. 

Eww, sweaty. 

Measurables: 
Height 6-foot-0 Weight 180 lbs. 

Sophomore

A member of Varietas Caucasia. 

Brown/black hair. Chocolate, coffee, caramel eyes. 

Weak beard growth. 

Possible "Bama bangs." 

Zodiac Sign—Capricorn. 
Subjective Shit:
40 time: 4.41 sec. (dayum)

Bench max 260 lbs. Squat max 355 lbs. 

GPA 4.0 ACT 19 
Recruiting Hoopla:
Scout 2 star Rivals 3 star ESPN 69
Per ESPN: Cole is a safety listed as a cornerback, and in this scheme, he plays all over the field as a safety, nickel linebacker, corner and rover-type. He is an overacheiving player with savvy and football smarts coupled with competitive speed. He is a productive special teams player. He has good play recognition and instincts.... He's tough and is a better player than he is an athlete. Solid prospect.

Read: This fool is white. 
(Likely) Likes:
Dave Matthews Band, pistachio ice cream, Anchorman, drank, being liked, those of the human race with vaginas
Dislikes: 
crabapples, slugs, the crushed chips in the bottom of the bag, boogers, internet jargon
Greatest Strength:
Being underestimated
Greatest Weakness:
Being underestimated
Biggest Fear: 
Having sex with a man. Also, losing one or both of his kidneys. 
Statsss: 
3 total tackles. He is but a wee lad.
 Future outlook: 
Slim to grim. Listed as third on the three deep at safety coming out of spring. Will most likely only play significant minutes in 2009 if McNeil, Slade and or Etheridge are injured. 
Factoids:
A resident of Picayune, Mississippi. A city that has self-labeled itself as "A precious coin in the purse of the South." Someone stole all the coins out of Mississippi's purse long ago. 
Father Hoppy, yes, his father's name is Hoppy, played at Ole Miss. 
Brother Mit is a tight end at LSU. 

Americans, Yes?

Not shown: Roman soldiers asking for 10 euros for four pictures. And we thought they were just being friendly. Silly Americans. 

Good trip all in all. My mom fell down the escalator in the London Underground in front of close to 200 people.  My dad repeatedly pronounced Italy It-ly, no a. And a likely member of the Italian mafia dropped us at the wrong hotel for the reasonable price of 50 euros. I even let loose a few requisite War Eagles to some far afield Auburnites.  

Big news on the home front is the arrival of possible savior Tyrik Rollison to Auburn. I would like to say he has no chance of starting, him being a true freshman and what not, but looking at the situation—Burns, Caudle, Todd, an injured Trotter—it is easy to see how he could. Maybe Gustav will sprinkle some magical terrifying dual-threat quarterback dust on him and he will be all early Vince Young. We can hope, yes?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

You + Help = Me

I need your help. Nothing major. No money or gifts or anything of that sort. I just need words. Words are cheap. I am sure you have a few to spare. Maybe you hid a couple in the back of your closet. Drag 'em out. 

I, in my youth, innocence and adventuresome spirit, have decided to take a month long journey across our country—America, home of the brave and not-so-free. And I am not what you would call a planner. The only plan I have thus far is there are no plans. 

So I thought maybe you, yes, you thoughtful and wise readers, might have some suggestions as to where I should stop, what I should see and where I can stay on the cheap. There are no bad ideas. I am open to almost anything. 

If you help me out, I will send you a postcard from somewhere interesting (I'm serious)*. Really, any ideas are welcome. Whether you have or haven't done something similar before. 

The original plan called for me and another guy to go in his car. He knew some people in various parts of the country where we could bum a place to sleep. Well, things fell apart,** and I am now flying solo. So it goes and so on. 

My sister recently graduated from high school and, for her graduation present, my parents are taking her to Europe (London, Paris, Rome). I get to tag along and play the tourist. 

So no posts the next ten days or so from this end. 

Any ideas, advice, words of wisdom you can offer would be much appreciated. 

War Eagle. 

*Of course I would know where you live. But if you can get past some dude on the internet having your home address I do write a mean postcard.

**I (allegedly) insulted a friend of his girlfriend's friend at the his girlfriend's 21st birthday party. I (allegedly) was drunk and called her "a fat lesbian." I never said she was fat. I did accuse her of being a lesbian. She drove a truck and kept talking about going muddin'. I was giving her a gentle ribbing. My roommate and I had a good time. Allegedly. 



Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Skeptic

Part the First

Franklin entered the stadium through the gate bordering the student parking lot. He didn't bother to look at the number. The stadium was quiet and dark.

The summons had read "50 yard line. One hour." No name or reason. That was 57 minutes ago.

It was really dark. He has always hated the dark. It gave him the willies. Dark woods, dark rooms, hell, even dark corners scared him. He didn't even like too much shade. 

His brother James, however, loved darkness. James would drag Franklin outside every night and run off yelling "Come find me. I bet you can't find me!" Franklin called it the Can You See Me? game. James would ask repeatedly "Can you see me?" He would say no four or five times and then pretend to spot him. He never once saw James. He was like a damned chameleon. Or, more truthfully, a bored child who watched too many war movies.

James was going to be a Green Beret. He told every person he saw of his eventual vocation. He was going to shimmy through the mud, kill bad guys and smoke cigars. Just like John Wayne. James had watched The Green Berets 43 times by the time he turned 13.

Franklin walked through the tunnel that led to the stadium. Last he heard from James he was working as a mechanic in a small town in Arkansas. He never joined the Army. He instead got a 14-year-old pregnant and collected Welfare for three years. The other American dream.

Franklin emerged onto the mezzanine. The field was dark; the only source of light was the scoreboard which was flashing a Yella Wood commercial on loop.

By the light of the yellow wood cowboy Franklin saw a circle of seven to eight hooded figures. One was in the center with his arms raised. He had a leash attached to his wrist. Attached to the leash was a small elephant. Franklin would later learn its common name was the pygmy elephant. Think normal African elephant miniaturized. His wife would have squinted her eyes and branded it cute in a high-pitched voice.

As Franklin descended the steps and neared midfield, he could here what sounded like chanting. It was not in English. And it didn't sound like any language he knew. Of course, he couldn't speak any other language. But he felt like he could at least recognize one when he heard it.

Once closer he was able to make out individual words. Pater noster... es... caelis... Nomen... adveniat...

He considered asking them what the fuck they were saying. He then realized he didn't even know who "they" were. "They" were wearing loose-fitting dark navy blue robes with orange trim around the cuffs. Their hoods were up and he was still too far away to make out faces.

The chanting stopped when he got within sight.

"Greetings, Antonius," said a short man who most people would define as stocky. The voice was familiar yet different, as if it had been run through a device that made your voice sound more affluent and cultured. The word that came to Franklin's mind was pretentious.

"Hello there," he replied, not telling the short man his name was simply Tony.

"We are pleased you joined us. The ceremony is almost upon us," said a man to Franklin's right. He was slightly above average height with wide shoulders. This time Franklin was able to place the voice. It was tight ends coach Steve Ensminger.

The rest of the hooded figures had to be the other assistant coaches. He did a quick count. Seven in the outer circle and one in the middle. There were ten assistants including him. One was missing. His guess was Paul. Paul, like himself, was new and somewhat of an outsider. They weren't part of the inner circle.

Franklin had once joked Tuberville and his position coaches acted cult-like. He regretted making that joke.

"Antonius, the oracle is most unhappy with your performance," said the short man. Franklin now realized it was the voice of Hugh Nall.

"Most unhappy," the other six of the outer circle said in conjunction.

"He who is mighty and wise has asked us to bring you here and defend your decisions. Decisions we do not like," Nall said.

"Do not like," the others mimicked.

Franklin noticed that the lone figure in the center of the circle, Tuberville, was withdrawing something long and silver from his left sleeve.

"We have been here for a decade. We are Auburn University. We will not let you—"

"Silence!"

Nall visibly flinched and the others assistants took involuntary steps back.

"It is time to begin," Tuberville said. The pygmy elephant was tethered to his left wrist and what Franklin was able to identify as a roman gladius was in his right.

The assistants resumed their original circle formation and started to chant in union:
Our Father in Colonial Bank,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in Auburn.
Give us today our daily allowance.
Forgive us our failures
as we forgive those who fail us.
Save us from the SEC
and deliver us from Alabama.
For the University, the power, and the victories are yours
now and for ever. Amen.

On Amen, Tuberville slit the elephant's throat. It let out a ragged howl and its trunk flailed like a seizing snake. When the elephant finally died and Franklin was able to look away, he saw that none of the assistants had moved. Several had patches of dark blood on the bottom of their robes and Tuberville looked as if he had spent the day in a slaughterhouse. None seemed to notice. Least of all Tuberville.

"Speak to us, master!" Tuberville yelled as he flung his arms skyward. Franklin followed the gaze of the assistants to the scoredboard. The same Yella Wood commercial was on repeat.

Twenty seconds went by. Franklin started to back up slowly. And then the image changed.

A smallish man with a large smile and dimples framing it like parentheses came on the screen.

Franklin recognized this man. It was Bobby Lowder.

To be continued...

Grist for the Mill

    I have never had to strive to graduate, never to earn a degree. The only degrees I have are honorary, and I am proud to have them. I studied purely for the love of learning, wanting to know and understand. For a writer, of course, everything is grist for the mill, and a writer cannot know too much. Sooner or later everything he does know will find its uses.
    A writer’s brain is like a magician’s hat. If you’re going to get anything out of it, you have to put something in first.
--L’Amour, Louis “Education of a Wandering Man”

I like the phrase "grist for the mill." Each experience is useful in someway. Most times in ways you would not consider. 

It is an optimistic way to approach life. Because whatever happens—whether it be good or bad, painful or joyous—is just more grist for the mill. To live is to learn. And to learn is to live. 

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Damn You, Seastrunk

"I called and apologized to him," Seastrunk told the website. "I wanted him to know I was sorry. I got caught up in the moment and Coach Saban understood that.

"That's not what I'm about. That's not what I stand for. I got caught up in the atmosphere, the environment, and did something I truly regret."

"I wasn't trying to call him out or anything, create any type of controversy and he didn't think I was. He was very receptive and very understanding. He is a really great guy.''

Seastrunk apologized to Saban privately.

"I also wanted to publicly apologize to Coach Saban," Seastrunk said. "That's not who I am, not who my mother raised me to be. I'm truly sorry for that.''
--The Gold Mine
I was ready to immortalize you in song. Maybe even make you the hero of an action adventure short story involving big-titted robots, dwarves and an incurable strain of jaundice. But no. You had to go soft and apologize. 

I take back all the nice things I said about you. You can never be Kenny Irons. (I miss you Kenny.)